it’s not a fairy tale love. although that’s not a problem for me considering i’m not a hopeless romantic, like yourself. i didn’t know what to expect once we started. something new, something exciting perhaps? it’s hard to say what i was expecting. i had no idea what i was getting myself into.
i’m watching the notebook, the perfect love story. there are so many parts in that movie that remind me of you. not because i thought that was something you would do. not because it was something you’ve done. it was because it made me realize that you would do anything for me. that scares me.
noah calhoun is my dream guy. he’s man in all the right places. and he’s pretty damn gorgeous. i’ve realized he’s a lot like you. i can’t quite place my thoughts on this one. i don’t know why he reminds me so much of you. i’m not going to tell you the comparisons between the two of you because that’s not fair.
and i’ve realized that ally is a lot like me. funny thing is, her dream house is a big white house, blue shutters, and a wrap around porch where they can have their breakfast and sit and watch the sunset. that’s what it is. but the beginning of their relationship is what reminds me the most of us.
noah’s first glimpse of ally was what attracted him to her the most. she was a friend of a friend. he didn’t even know her yet but knew that she was the woman he was going to fall in love with. at first she wasn’t into him at all, kind of sucked into being with him. but once he got her, he never let her go.
hanging from the ferris wheel, he forced her to go out with him. he took the risks and did whatever he could to get what he wanted. and he wanted her. you never took risks for me? i know you would if you had to. but you never took the unnecessary risks just to make sure you never lose me. but the thing is, i know you would. i know you would do anything for me.
but that scares me. you’ll do anything for me, but its because of that, that you don’t stand up for yourself when you’re around me. if i say no, that’s it and you take it. you never fight for yourself because you’re so madly in love with me. you don’t understand how much that hurts me. steven, i could walk all over you and you would take it. why don’t we ever fight? i know that’s why. don’t you know that fighting has to happen? because if we leave everything all bottled up then when it spills… i’m not saying that i want to live every day hating you on the outside. i don’t want to walk around, slapping you and pushing you around. but i tell all my friends that we’ve never been in a real fight and they look at me, not with impressed eyes, but confused and concerned eyes. all of my friend’s boyfriends have made them cry. they have hated each other for a day. they have been in those compromising positions that almost break them. but their relationships, i feel, are stronger than ours because of it. now don’t go walking around, trying to start fights. because that’s not what it’s about. but when you’re mad, get mad. fight with me. i know it wont be easy.
“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.”
my favorite quote from the movie. it helps put this summer into perspective for you, doesn’t it? don’t you realize that’s why we have to fight? we have to yell and we have to scream. we need to be close to break-ups. we need conflict because without it, it’s just too easy. i need to almost lose you. i need to almost lose you. i need to almost lose you. no matter how many times it’s said, the pain in the truth is what hurts the most. i don’t want to almost lose you. but it’s exactly that, that helps me appreciate what we have. without almost losing you, i can’t appreciate that i have you. i can’t realize how lucky i am to be with you.
i know you’ll do anything for me, so i need you do do this for me. i need you to fight with me. to stand up for yourself and get be honest with me. if you’re mad, tell me. if you’re sad, tell me. if you hate me, tell me.
noah is so much like you, in so many ways. he’s too good of a man. he’s too good to ally and she doesn’t deserve him. it’s hard to realize that i don’t deserve you. i’m not as good to you as you are to me. but i’ll fight for you. and i know you’ll do the same.
it’s hard to place my thoughts right now. i don’t know what this post was supposed to be about. initially it was going to compare us to the notebook, to show you that our love can last like their’s. it can make miracles. but this post, this movie, has helped me realize so much more. that we will cross hard times, and we will even be lucky enough to have months that are perfect. but it’s how we get through those times, both the good and the bad, that helps strengthen our relationship. it shows me that what we have, is real.
it’s hard to hear things that you don’t want to hear, know things you don’t want to know, and experience things that you wished you never would. it’s hard to live a life that’s hard, complicated, and tough. it’s hard being in love. but does that mean that we won’t ever do it? just because you don’t want to hear something, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t listen to the music. just because you’re trying to hide from something you don’t want to know, doesn’t mean you can’t explore. and just because you’re afraid to go through something difficult, doesn’t mean you should limit your life.
this world is all about taking chances and risks. without them, where would we be? if you hadn’t taken the risk to get to know me, where would we be right now?
well i guess we almost figured that out tonight. taking risks is part of a relationship, whether we take a safe risk, or a dangerous one. i took a risk today that pushed our relationship to a different level. i guess i should explain.
when i saw you this weekend, i expected a huge rush of emotion. i expected my heart to swell and my stomach to drop when i opened that door. neither happened. maybe it was because of the fight we had or maybe it was the distance. being away from you for so long was hard and exhausting. i wanted to talk to you all the time, but i wish you were there with me rather than miles and miles apart. when i was talking to my friends, i wanted to talk with you. but in order to do so i had to pull out my phone and exclude my surroundings while i was talking to you. it was exhausting and tiring to whip out my phone every minute, or check it constantly when you wouldn’t respond. every time i put my phone away and rejoined the conversation, i would tell myself that it was worth it. that it was worth ignoring my friends to talk to you. but after a while, it became tiring.
and that’s when quin came in. you are so jealous of him, but i guess you have a reason to be considering how him and i ended. it became apparent to me that i was living two separate worlds as soon as i starting hanging out with him again. i guess this is the time to be honest with you and finally say it, yeah.. i still have a crush on quin. you don’t expect me to just cut someone out of my life that i cared about so much? it’s hard for me to just forget about him when i felt so strongly about him. and i know you know how i feel about him, even though you wouldn’t confront me about it. so when you knew i was with him, you would text me all the time, you needed to make sure that i remembered you. but in reality, how could i forget about you? you wanted to make sure that i was thinking about you all the time that i was with him. do you realize how frustrating that was? it was like you wanted me to wear my sandwich board that said “i love steve” every time i was around him. just because we were apart doesn’t mean i forgot about you.
but the distance made everything hard. but i did, i thought about you a lot. but i thought about how much i wished it wasn’t so hard. i kept thinking, “i wish steve was here so then i wouldn’t have to text him.” don’t assume that’s the only time i thought about you, cause every night i thought about how much i wanted to be in your arms again, even for just a minute.
after a while, the thought of needing you here consumed me. the thought of working so hard for something made me sick to my stomach, worried and wondering, “is all this pain worth it?” it was hard, to say the least, to even admit this to myself.. but after asking myself that, you started to drift from my mind.
thinking about you all the time just hurt too much. i forced myself to stop thinking about you. soon enough i started to fall out of love with you. i started to forget you. but trust me, forgetting you wasn’t quick and easy. it hurt, more than you know. but after not seeing someone for a while, you forget who they are. texting you wasn’t the same as being around you. when you smiled, i couldn’t witness it. i couldn’t see the way your eyes would shine. i couldn’t hear the words i love you when you said them. i couldn’t see the wheels turning behind your deep blue eyes when we talked about our future. texting just wasn’t the same.
after a while, when you would text me when i was with my friends, it became easier to just put my phone away. i started to resent you for keeping me from my friends when you would text. we would text all the time, and you started to consume my life. you took me from my friends and you blocked out my family. because when i would talk to you, you would be the only thing that mattered. when i would see your name across the screen, nothing else could phase me. you were my world.
and to tell you the truth, it was hard to revolve my world around my phone. you know i’m not that kind of girl. i wanted to have a life. i wanted to talk to my friends without being interrupted, but when my night went uninterrupted by you, i would soon find out that you were upset that i ignored you. it became stressful and hard to keep my two worlds connected. but no matter what, i always had to choose one world over the other. every time you texted me, i had to choose you or them. you or them.
you forced me to become one of those girls that i never wanted to become. i didn’t want to ditch my friends for you or ditch you for my friends. living in two different worlds put stress on me that i couldn’t handle. that’s when i came back to “is all the pain worth it?”
i blamed you for the weights on my shoulders and i know that wasn’t fair. but it was easier to live in the real world than in the technological world. all this force pushing me down resulted in pushing me away from you.
i dont’ know what happened, or why this stress started to make me fall out of love with you, but all i can say is that it did. it became so hard to keep a relationship with you, that i just let you slip out of my fingers.
and then you came to visit.
one of my friends asked me to do something thursday night, the night that you came. and since you were finally with me again, i thought all my problems would be solved. but once again, i had to turn away my friends for you. it was then that all of these feelings came rushing. all the happiness i felt towards seeing you again were blocked by that resentment for living in two worlds. i guess that’s why it’s so much easier at college, because you are part of both of my worlds.
i knew i had to tell you what was happening, but i couldn’t because you were so blinded by love that it hurt just to look at you. because every time i looked into your eyes, i saw how you felt about me. i knew that now i couldn’t return those feelings like i used to be able to.
after today, when i finally told you and we finally talked about it, i thought “this is it, this is the end of us isn’t it?” i was telling myself that this couldn’t last and that i couldn’t live like this anymore. i couldn’t live in two separate worlds that were tearing me down the middle. at the time i was okay with it. i knew i still loved you but i had decided that the pain wasn’t worth it.
after reading what you wrote on here, it changed me. you made me feel so terrible about myself. you made me cry for an hour, crying even as i walked into the theater. you hurt me in ways that i never knew i could. you ripped me apart in that letter. you told me that i broke your heart and that we would never be the same. you blamed me for what happened and you told me that you have never been hurt that way before. after i read those words and cried all that i could, i thought to myself “why is this upsetting me so much?” and that’s when i realized that i had it all wrong.
the pain from being torn by two worlds wasn’t that at all. it was the pain of losing you.
after the movie, i called you and i listened to your voice. i heard your voice crack from tears and your heart fall with pain. i heard the pain in your voice, the realization that you were losing me. you accused me of not missing you and i thought you were right. i thought i hadn’t been missing you. but really, i missed you more than i thought i could. i blocked out the pain of missing you and it took me until now to realize what i had done. as soon as we hung up, i cried again. i cried harder this time, because this time i was happy. i thought about you. and for the first time, i let myself think about you. i thought about you holding me again, about us being together at school, about falling asleep in your arms. i missed you. i knew it as soon as we hung up the first time; i missed you.
calling you back was the hardest thing i’ve ever done. i didn’t know what i was going to say, but i knew i had to talk to you again. a simple “i miss you” made you blubber like a baby. i gotta say, i wasn’t surprised. i knew as soon as i said it, that it was true.
this whole mess was something awful that needed to happen in order for something good to happen. its like the seasons. winter has to come, to bury the wildlife and leave this place lifeless. that’s what had happened to us. but winter needs to come in order for spring to arrive bringing back life.
it might be a while before things come back to normal, but like each time a flower grows, its even more beautiful than the last. i love you steven, always and forever. it may have taken a lot to get here. but now we know that we can get through anything as long as we have each other. it’ll be ten months in three days. i’m so glad we’ve made it this far.
i was on the boat today and this song came on. i know its clay aiken… but once you get passed that, i think this song is beautiful. in this lame, cheesy, and perfect way, it describes how i feel about you ever second that i’m with you. ever since it was played, i couldn’t stop thinking about you.
i love you so much and it helped me realize that i can’t live my life without you. because we’re together always and forever.
keeping tabs on katherine has allowed me to stumble across an interesting tumblr. and i want you to look at it. “therulesofagentleman.tumblr.com”
there are exactly 226 rules on that that a man should follow that would make a girl weak at her knees. i know you expect this from me, but i counted how many of those rules i think that you actually follow. needless to say “good grammar is sexy” happens to be one that i skipped past as i was counting. however there are some that i passed that made me smile. realizing that i take for granted all the wonderful things you do for me.
every single ‘good morning’ text follows with ‘beautiful.’ i know i expect it every single morning but i’m not sure if you realize how much that simple gesture means to me. you call me beautiful plenty of times each day, but that’s the only one that matters to me for some reason.
it’s the things like that that made me choose you. i didn’t settle for you, i chose you.
do you know how initially when we first started dating how i said i hated the gushy, tacky, and wonderfully cliche things that you did and said to me? yeah i decided that i lied. when we first started dating you did some of the most amazing things for me that i turned my nose up at. but honestly, i miss them. i miss all of the wonderfully romantic things you did for me. those things made you seem so manly and strong.
last night as i was driving home from work, i saw a couple walking down the road and guy in love was carrying his girl on his back and had her shoes in his hand. it made me cry. you know how i never cry, right? i think before i met you i used to cry three times a year. i would cry because i got punched in the face or lost someone special to me. but now that i’m with you i’m crying all the time.
i’m sure you understand why though.
i don’t really understand why i need all of those cliche things from you. i know you’re perfect just the way you are and you about as close to perfect as a person can be. but some of those rules that i passed on the tumblr kinda made me sad. one in particular stood out to me, “never give her a reason to think that she’s the man in the relationship.” we’ve been over that before and i love how sensitive you are, but obviously i’m going to wish that sometimes you were a little more hard and edgy.
i don’t know. this whole being away from you thing has made me so confused. every second that i’m ever with you, i feel like i’m a princess. i feel like i’m living the perfect life with my perfect guy. so why am i expecting more from you?
you’re my knight in shining armor. you make me happier than anything ever in my entire life. i thought i was happy where i was before i met you, but to justify myself, i didn’t know what life was like with you in my life.
want to know what gets me through the day? thinking about you. obviously. but i think about things specific. i think about the way you dress and how well you do it. how you always look so perfect. i think about how much i love it when your hair looks messy. i think about the way you smell as i hug you and how strong you feel as you hold me. it’s the things like that that make me know i’ll be okay without you this summer. thanks for looking so damn stunning every time i see you.
hey steven, i know looks can be deceiving but i know i saw a light in you and as we walked we were talking i didn’t say half the things i wanted to
of all the girls tossing rocks at your window i’ll be the one waiting there even when it’s cold hey steven, boy, you might have me believing i don’t always have to be alone
‘cause i can’t help it if you look like an angel can’t help it if i wanna kiss you in the rain so come feel this magic i’ve been feeling since i met you can’t help it if there’s no one else mmm, i can’t help myself
hey steven, i’ve been holding back this feeling so i got some things to say to you i’ve seen it all, so i thought but i never seen nobody shine the way you do
the way you walk, way you talk, way you say my name it’s beautiful, wonderful, don’t you ever change hey Steven, why are people always leaving? i think you and i should stay the same
‘cause i can’t help it if you look like an angel can’t help it if i wanna kiss you in the rain so come feel this magic i’ve been feeling since i met you can’t help it if there’s no one else mmm, i can’t help myself
they’re dimming the street lights, you’re perfect for me why aren’t you here tonight? i’m waiting alone now, so come on and come out and pull me near and shine, shine, shine
hey steven, i could give you fifty reasons why I should be the one you choose all those other girls, well, they’re beautiful but would they write a song for you?
i can’t help it if you look like an angel can’t help it if i wanna kiss you in the rain so come feel this magic i’ve been feeling since i met you can’t help it if there’s no one else mmm, i can’t help myself
if you look like an angel can’t help it if i wanna kiss you in the rain so come feel this magic i’ve been feeling since i met you can’t help it if there’s no one else mmm, i can’t help myself
“cause i can’t wait to live this life together and I won’t let you go. i need you to know that you are my heart, forever and on and on and on.”
so i went to the movie bridesmaids tonight with my friends and obviously it was about a woman getting married. and why does this always make me think of you? probably because i can’t wait to marry you. i keep thinking over and over how perfect our life could be together and i’m scared about, well what if it doesn’t turn out the way we planned?
i was thinking of a really cheesy and great way to say this, but i’m not you. so i couldn’t think of anything besides just saying it bluntly. i want to marry you. i’m terrified that i’m going to end up without you. my grandma and grandpa came to ohio with me last weekend. my grandma is actually my dads step mom, because his real mom died of cancer while he was in his twenties. that would make his dad in his fifties when she died. they had five kids together and started a life. they shared a life together. which got me thinking… don’t get me wrong, i’m happy that my grandpa was able to find someone after my grandma that made him happy, but i don’t know if i could ever do it. i feel like i would just be leaving you behind. if i marry you, and i plan to, i want that to be it. no divorce, and no remarriage. i know that sounds kind of ridiculous, because what if we lose each other early. i know deep down that i would want you to move on and be happy again. but i don’t know if i could ever find another person that made me as happy as you have.
my grandma takes great care of my grandpa. he has alzheimer’s and a brain tumor, quickly finishing off his life. my grandma really loves him, i can obviously tell. everything she does she’s double checking in on him to make sure he’s comfortable. but what if she resents it? what if she doesn’t want him holding her back on her last couple of years? it would break my heart knowing that i would do that to someone.
i guess i don’t really know where i’m going with. i just want to make sure you know how i’m feeling, and i guess i’ll try to sum that up right now. i want to be with you. forever. through all the horribly bad and the wonderfully amazing. i want to be with you through the lies, heartbreaks, love, excitement, the whole growing-old thing too. i want to be with you wherever this road takes us. if it takes us down a rough path, i’ll barrel through it as long as i have you by my side. i will stick with you through whatever gets thrown at us. through starting a family, through getting old, but first i’ll make it through college with you.
we have something special that we share, and i want to make sure that you know that i’m doing everything i can to hold on to that. i can’t wait to finish my life with you and experience everything that there is to. i just hope you know that.
i promise i’m going to try to never let you go. where ever i go, wherever you go, we’ll take that journey together.
ya know, it actually hurts right now. not the migraine pulsing through my head, also not the hunger pains due to the fact that i haven’t eaten in twenty-four hours; but it hurts me to know that i have to go so many days without seeing you.
seeing quin again brought up feelings in me that i barely remembered i could feel. but do you know what? those feelings were about you. truth be told, i had fallen for quin hard (probably something you don’t want to know). what i felt for him was something i thought was love. but remembering the way i felt about him, now just makes me laugh. being with him made me only fall in love with you harder. i realized that what we have is different; stronger than love. and so much better.
before i was actually ever in love with anyone, i thought that love was amazing, incredible, and breath-taking. but i’ve realized now that it’s so much more. with you i know that i feel more than love. i feel a relationship, comfort, understanding, security, passion, friendship, companionship, trust, and heat. our love is so much more than i ever thought it could be. i’ve honestly never been happier in my entire life.
coming into college, i honestly wished for a relationship. i would see everyone walking around school, holding someone’s hand; they had someone to fool around with. before meeting you, i wanted a boyfriend but never was looking for the relationship that came along with it. i never knew what it was like to feel vulnerable towards another person. and with you i feel so much more. i know i can be myself with you, i can trust you. the way you make me feel is unexplainable. i swear, no one has ever felt love like this, a love like ours.
loving you is the best thing that has ever happened to me. i’m crying now.
