taking risks.
it’s hard to hear things that you don’t want to hear, know things you don’t want to know, and experience things that you wished you never would. it’s hard to live a life that’s hard, complicated, and tough. it’s hard being in love. but does that mean that we won’t ever do it? just because you don’t want to hear something, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t listen to the music. just because you’re trying to hide from something you don’t want to know, doesn’t mean you can’t explore. and just because you’re afraid to go through something difficult, doesn’t mean you should limit your life.
this world is all about taking chances and risks. without them, where would we be? if you hadn’t taken the risk to get to know me, where would we be right now?
well i guess we almost figured that out tonight. taking risks is part of a relationship, whether we take a safe risk, or a dangerous one. i took a risk today that pushed our relationship to a different level. i guess i should explain.
when i saw you this weekend, i expected a huge rush of emotion. i expected my heart to swell and my stomach to drop when i opened that door. neither happened. maybe it was because of the fight we had or maybe it was the distance. being away from you for so long was hard and exhausting. i wanted to talk to you all the time, but i wish you were there with me rather than miles and miles apart. when i was talking to my friends, i wanted to talk with you. but in order to do so i had to pull out my phone and exclude my surroundings while i was talking to you. it was exhausting and tiring to whip out my phone every minute, or check it constantly when you wouldn’t respond. every time i put my phone away and rejoined the conversation, i would tell myself that it was worth it. that it was worth ignoring my friends to talk to you. but after a while, it became tiring.
and that’s when quin came in. you are so jealous of him, but i guess you have a reason to be considering how him and i ended. it became apparent to me that i was living two separate worlds as soon as i starting hanging out with him again. i guess this is the time to be honest with you and finally say it, yeah.. i still have a crush on quin. you don’t expect me to just cut someone out of my life that i cared about so much? it’s hard for me to just forget about him when i felt so strongly about him. and i know you know how i feel about him, even though you wouldn’t confront me about it. so when you knew i was with him, you would text me all the time, you needed to make sure that i remembered you. but in reality, how could i forget about you? you wanted to make sure that i was thinking about you all the time that i was with him. do you realize how frustrating that was? it was like you wanted me to wear my sandwich board that said “i love steve” every time i was around him. just because we were apart doesn’t mean i forgot about you.
but the distance made everything hard. but i did, i thought about you a lot. but i thought about how much i wished it wasn’t so hard. i kept thinking, “i wish steve was here so then i wouldn’t have to text him.” don’t assume that’s the only time i thought about you, cause every night i thought about how much i wanted to be in your arms again, even for just a minute.
after a while, the thought of needing you here consumed me. the thought of working so hard for something made me sick to my stomach, worried and wondering, “is all this pain worth it?” it was hard, to say the least, to even admit this to myself.. but after asking myself that, you started to drift from my mind.
thinking about you all the time just hurt too much. i forced myself to stop thinking about you. soon enough i started to fall out of love with you. i started to forget you. but trust me, forgetting you wasn’t quick and easy. it hurt, more than you know. but after not seeing someone for a while, you forget who they are. texting you wasn’t the same as being around you. when you smiled, i couldn’t witness it. i couldn’t see the way your eyes would shine. i couldn’t hear the words i love you when you said them. i couldn’t see the wheels turning behind your deep blue eyes when we talked about our future. texting just wasn’t the same.
after a while, when you would text me when i was with my friends, it became easier to just put my phone away. i started to resent you for keeping me from my friends when you would text. we would text all the time, and you started to consume my life. you took me from my friends and you blocked out my family. because when i would talk to you, you would be the only thing that mattered. when i would see your name across the screen, nothing else could phase me. you were my world.
and to tell you the truth, it was hard to revolve my world around my phone. you know i’m not that kind of girl. i wanted to have a life. i wanted to talk to my friends without being interrupted, but when my night went uninterrupted by you, i would soon find out that you were upset that i ignored you. it became stressful and hard to keep my two worlds connected. but no matter what, i always had to choose one world over the other. every time you texted me, i had to choose you or them. you or them.
you forced me to become one of those girls that i never wanted to become. i didn’t want to ditch my friends for you or ditch you for my friends. living in two different worlds put stress on me that i couldn’t handle. that’s when i came back to “is all the pain worth it?”
i blamed you for the weights on my shoulders and i know that wasn’t fair. but it was easier to live in the real world than in the technological world. all this force pushing me down resulted in pushing me away from you.
i dont’ know what happened, or why this stress started to make me fall out of love with you, but all i can say is that it did. it became so hard to keep a relationship with you, that i just let you slip out of my fingers.
and then you came to visit.
one of my friends asked me to do something thursday night, the night that you came. and since you were finally with me again, i thought all my problems would be solved. but once again, i had to turn away my friends for you. it was then that all of these feelings came rushing. all the happiness i felt towards seeing you again were blocked by that resentment for living in two worlds. i guess that’s why it’s so much easier at college, because you are part of both of my worlds.
i knew i had to tell you what was happening, but i couldn’t because you were so blinded by love that it hurt just to look at you. because every time i looked into your eyes, i saw how you felt about me. i knew that now i couldn’t return those feelings like i used to be able to.
after today, when i finally told you and we finally talked about it, i thought “this is it, this is the end of us isn’t it?” i was telling myself that this couldn’t last and that i couldn’t live like this anymore. i couldn’t live in two separate worlds that were tearing me down the middle. at the time i was okay with it. i knew i still loved you but i had decided that the pain wasn’t worth it.
after reading what you wrote on here, it changed me. you made me feel so terrible about myself. you made me cry for an hour, crying even as i walked into the theater. you hurt me in ways that i never knew i could. you ripped me apart in that letter. you told me that i broke your heart and that we would never be the same. you blamed me for what happened and you told me that you have never been hurt that way before. after i read those words and cried all that i could, i thought to myself “why is this upsetting me so much?” and that’s when i realized that i had it all wrong.
the pain from being torn by two worlds wasn’t that at all. it was the pain of losing you.
after the movie, i called you and i listened to your voice. i heard your voice crack from tears and your heart fall with pain. i heard the pain in your voice, the realization that you were losing me. you accused me of not missing you and i thought you were right. i thought i hadn’t been missing you. but really, i missed you more than i thought i could. i blocked out the pain of missing you and it took me until now to realize what i had done. as soon as we hung up, i cried again. i cried harder this time, because this time i was happy. i thought about you. and for the first time, i let myself think about you. i thought about you holding me again, about us being together at school, about falling asleep in your arms. i missed you. i knew it as soon as we hung up the first time; i missed you.
calling you back was the hardest thing i’ve ever done. i didn’t know what i was going to say, but i knew i had to talk to you again. a simple “i miss you” made you blubber like a baby. i gotta say, i wasn’t surprised. i knew as soon as i said it, that it was true.
this whole mess was something awful that needed to happen in order for something good to happen. its like the seasons. winter has to come, to bury the wildlife and leave this place lifeless. that’s what had happened to us. but winter needs to come in order for spring to arrive bringing back life.
it might be a while before things come back to normal, but like each time a flower grows, its even more beautiful than the last. i love you steven, always and forever. it may have taken a lot to get here. but now we know that we can get through anything as long as we have each other. it’ll be ten months in three days. i’m so glad we’ve made it this far.
